Going All In Is Not Always As Easy As It Sounds

As a teacher, I hope that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I can make a difference in the life of my students. That's all I can hope for. Starting at a new school district this year has been challenging. It was also not an easy decision to make. For the past nine years. I developed relationships with other teachers, my students, and their families. I knew I'd have mixed emotions about leaving once I made the decision to go, but I never realized the emotional roller coaster that would come with this change.

The reading corner in my former classroom

I left a family, a family I developed relationships with. We laughed together, we cried together, and we supported each other. I had gotten into a routine; I felt comfortable where I was, but I decided it was time for a change. I made a conscious decision to jump into the cold water and let what would happen, happen. And things happened. I got offered a new job, and I decided to accept the position.

The initial excitement of feeling needed somewhere hit me. It was the beginning of a new journey. After a few days, I battled with the decision of leaving my current job. Am I making the right decision? Should I really do this? That step of the life changing process lasted awhile. I knew in my heart I was making the right decision; my mind (especially my OCD mind) doubted everything I did. That was a tough battle. I kept questioning whether I was listening to my intuition by taking on this new opportunity or making the wrong decision. 

Drawing from a former student

Doubt. My OCD loves doubt. It plays with my emotions and keeps me wondering if I did the right thing or if I made the wrong choice. After some time battling with my doubt OCD, I finally started to tell myself--I did the right thing. I knew I did, but squashing those doubtful thoughts was not always easy.

My confusion and frustration turned into excitement again. I started thinking of new teaching ideas, getting excited for my upcoming professional development, and meeting new people. That excitement lasted for awhile until it was almost time for school to start. A new emotion gave way and was extremely hard to shake off. I was extremely sad. I was sad for leaving my good friends, for leaving the students whom I love so much, the people who cared for me every day for the last nine years. That was a rough feeling. Leaving my job was like a loss I had to work through. I think the sadness was the hardest emotion during this time of change. There were some teary-eyed days. Talking to my friends or texting them made me feel infinitely more sad. It was a hard realization that I was starting over.

Tears, uncertainty, excitement, and anxiety: what an unexpected ride. 

Pine cone gift from a former student.

After the first month of school, I had gotten into more of a routine and the sadness lifted. I feel good about my decision. I always had; it was just really difficult to separate the emotions I was feeling from the choice I made and the reason I made it. 

My new classroom

Bottom line: I'm getting my work done and not taking it home, I have a manageable caseload, and I love ESL kiddos. I've realized now that the anxiety and sadness has passed, that I did the right thing. I will never forget my years at my former job. I belonged there, and I love that I felt so comfortable in my skin. But I keep reminding myself I was there for 9 years. 9 years of building relationships. 9 years for people to get to know me. 

New endeavors always start out with a sense of uneasiness, especially when you have anxiety. Eventually, people will get to know me, and I will get to know people too. Students will do the same, and so will their families. It takes time to build relationships, and I am looking forward to doing so. I can't say that my emotions about leaving my former job will never resurface. And if they do, its okay. I welcome those feelings with open arms. After all, it is hard to leave one family you love to start building a new one.


Love and happiness <3 Holly

It's Okay To Not Be Okay

Over the last seven years or so, I have changed in many ways. I don't believe that I am the same happy-go-lucky person that I used to be. I have a completely different perspective on life. I think a lot of that changed when my dad got sick and then again when my dad passed away. I think it also changed slowly as my migraines progressively got worse over time, and slowly as doctor after doctor tried treatment after treatment to no avail. 

As I look back to my younger, carefree self, I think about how I was always the "glass-half-full" kind of person. I was full of hope; I always saw the positive side to every situation, and I had hope in everything. Everything was going to be alright. Everything would work out for the best. Everything would be okay. 

I remember the time in my life I changed. At the diagnosis of my dad's illness, Glioblastoma Stage IV (brain tumor) stretching across the entire back of his brain, I still held on to the hope that by some miracle he would get better. I believed that he would respond to treatment. I believed that even though my 6'2" dad, who went from 220 pounds to 120 poumds in a matter of months would miraculously stand up and walk again. I believed that his memory would come back, his eye sight would come back, and he would quit telling us that he had to take a trip to Texas, but he could never come back. That was who I was then.

My dad and mom on their wedding day. 

I remember the day when I lost hope. I don't know what changed, but I just knew. I had this feeling inside. I knew my dad wasn't going to make it. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but I knew. That is when I changed. 

After my dad passed away, I was shell shocked for a long time. You never imagine something like that can happen to someone you love. My dad was only 51 years old. He had only lived half of his life. He had lived most of his life with multiple sclerosis so gracefully; it was extremely hard to see him live and die from this horrific disease. 

My heart ached. There was a hole there that took a long time to heal. Today, the hurt is not as bad. I don't feel the pain as raw or as deeply, but I do still get sad thinking about how much I wish he were here with me. I am infinitely in a better place than I was a few years ago, but I will always miss my dad. He is still with me, but it's hard not to have him here physically sharing life's milestones that he should not be missing. 

I have also struggled with my migraines since I was about 15 or 16 years old. Since that time in my life, they have only gotten worse, they have literally taken over a lot of my life. After going to different doctors, taking so many medications that I can't remember the names of them all, and again losing hope in the process, I can again say that I have lost that immediately positive outlook that I have always had. 

I used to, without a second thought, always turn a negative day around with a positive spin. Had a bad day? Well, at least I get to go home and cook dinner with Bjorn. Poured coffee down my shirt? Well, at least I get to see my students today. They make me happy (plus they'll tell me it doesn't look that bad!) 

I've found myself having trouble putting a positive spin on things lately. I think it's just my life experiences getting in the way. I find myself missing that happy-go-lucky, always smiling girl. I don't know where she went, but sure wish I could find her. I feel like she's in there somewhere; I just don't know how to dig her out from the rubble. 

This summer hasn't been tough for me, but it's been just a summer--nothing great and nothing too horrible. Just there, a filler really. I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm at the end of my rope with my migraine treatments. This summer I tried Botox for my migraines, and now I'm just playing the waiting game. My doctor wants me to wait three treatments to see if I get the full effects from it (9 months). That's a long time. I get it, but some days I want to scream, "Can we hurry it up already!" 

I also get sad some days that this is kind of my last serious option besides more medication with more side effects that make me miserable. What if this doesn't work? Am I doomed to have 17 migraines a month forever? How could I take care of a child with that many headaches? I don't do anything fun anymore. I feel miserable most days. I don't know how long I can do this; someone needs to come up with something!

This summer I've found myself feeling sad more than often. I just have realized I'm in uncharted territory. I don't know what's going to happen--good or bad. I'm just waiting. Waiting sucks. Thinking too much about it makes me sad. I had a good week of being hopeful, but that didn't last long. I am trying to find the strength to stay positive, but it's hard when you've had years of pain and treatments that don't work.

So this is what I've decided:

It's okay to not be okay. This is a journey. Thus is life. It has ups and downs. And let me tell you, my life the last few years has been a roller coaster. I can deal with it, but I don't have to be the same person who I was when I was twenty-four, twenty-one, or fifteen. I'm not. I like the happy side of me; right now I've got a lot going on. Uncertainty is hard to deal with, and that's okay. I'm giving myself permission to have okay and not okay days. Who says I can't? I'm going to take each day as it comes. If I'm anxious and dreading getting 31 needles stuck into my head, who cares? That's okay. If I'm missing my dad and want to have a good cry, that's okay too! I'm going to deal with my emotions as they come, but I'm not going to beat myself up about feeling down. Simply put: it's okay. 

How To Be Happy #1: Music and Dancing

Have you ever had "one of those days" and just needed a pick me up? A lot of those days, I find myself turning to my favorite music to give me an energy boost or an emotional outlet for what I'm feeling. I really feel connected to artists, their music, and their lyrics. It is a great outlet for me and my anxiety. It always has been. Take today, for example. I was feeling quite "off" and tired after taking a nap this afternoon. I needed a "pick-me-up," so I put on an up-beat song that I love (Casey Abrams "Simple Life") and had a short little jam-out fest on the couch.

Throughout my life, I have always been a dancer. I've danced since I was two years old. Dancing has always been a way for me to put my emotions and my anxiety out on the table in an honest, yet safe way. I could leave my emotions out on the floor, feel what the music made me feel, spend all my energy out there, and I didn't have to tell anyone why I was so emotional during my dance. Why could I leave everything out on the stage? That's who dancers are. I truly did feel the dance and the music, but it was what was behind the music that really gave me that push to dance with so much feeling and emotion.

When you're dancing, you're telling a story, speaking with your body. You want your audience to feel what you're feeling, to understand what you're saying, to hang on your every movement. You become a good storyteller. You learn to become vulnerable emotionally. It's funny that I could always be this way through dance, but not in real face-to-face life all the time. It's so much harder for me. Dancing is my comfort zone. Maybe because I can become someone else when I dance and just tell people a story. It doesn't necessarily have to be my story. I just use what I know to pull from when I dance. 

Dance has always been a HUGE outlet for me. It still is in different ways. I don't dance as extensively as I used to. I don't really do ballet anymore, expect some barre work I do at home every now and then. I Zumba. I salsa. I hustle. I just started to waltz. I hip hop. I dance while I cook.

But the other huge part of my emotional release that goes along with dancing is music. I remember sitting in my room as a teenager and listening to all kinds of different music. Even when I was little. I would record songs off the radio and make mix tapes. I would put different music on, depending on how I felt at the time. I was really into Broadway music when I was younger. I just loved the stories, the rawness, of human lives, of the stories the Broadway shows told. My favorite was always Miss Saigon.

To this day, music and dancing are still a huge part of my life. Listening to good music on the way to work can put me in a good mood for the day. When I'm sad, listening to songs that touch my heart and soul really help me to work through my emotions. At school, my students and I listen to all kinds of music while they work, depending on their mood that day.

Jazz Hands

Without dance and music, I don't know where I'd be because they both are a huge part of my life. They keep be centered and balanced. They help me keep in touch with my emotions. They keep me sane. 

Working out (dancing) helps to keep my anxiety at bay. Belting out a great tune in the car can get my mind off of my OCD loop. 

One of my strategies for lowering my anxiety is to close my eyes while listening to a song and choreograph a dance to that song in my head. In that moment, I am not thinking about anything about the feel of the music, the words in the music, and myself dancing in my head. It really works. It takes my mind off whatever is, at the time, plaguing my anxiety.

I'd like to share with you some songs that I love to listen to in different situations. No matter how I'm feeling, listening to music makes me happy.

If I'm having a low key day and am just feeling like I need to release some sadness or anxiety or I am tired from dealing with anxiety, I tend to play low-key music. Quiet, calming muisc, sometimes with deep lyrics. Contemplating music. Here are a few I've been listening too lately:

Contemplating Music:

Birdy, "Winter Hymnal"

R.E.M, "Daysleeper"

Rufus Wainwright, "Poses"

Suzie McNeil, "Broken and Beautiful"

Amos Lee, "Arms of a Woman"

Harry Connick Jr., "Hear Me in the Harmony"

If I need a boost of energy, I play some high energy, uplifting, upbeat or happy music. Sometimes it's not uplifting either. It can be angry music that just makes me feel ready to tackle the day too! Here are a few I've been listening too lately:

Upbeat Music

V V Brown, "Shark in the Water"

Beyonce, "Countdown"

Sara Bareilles, "Brave"

ZZ Ward, "Til the Casket Drops"

Paul Simon, "You Can Call Me Al"

Do you have any songs that you've been listening to lately that either help give you energy or help you work through your emotions? If so, leave a comment below! I <3 comments!!

Love and happiness <3 Holly