This Is Who I Am...

When asked my profession, I don't think most people understand the reply "I'm an ESL teacher." More understand "I teach English as a Second Language." To that reply, I get the occasional nod. To the latter, I sometimes get a blank stare and then a request to explain more about what I do. 

Sometimes, as in the Kroger checkout line when my teaching badge is still hanging from my shirt, I get lectured. The one that sticks in my head the most: "Those kids should be learning English as their FIRST language! They live in America, for God's sake! I can't believe that's what you do!" To outrageous replies like this, which have been few and far between (thank the Lord!). I have a standard reply that I give that's very calm and collected, factual and straight-forward. Those of you who know me know it takes a great deal to get me riled up about something. 

But what I do, the profession that I choose for my life, is one thing that tugs at my heart strings. It is who I am, and it is not something that I always feel is understood outside the world of education. And at this moment in time and with the state of our country, I feel riled up.

So here it is:

For those of you who don't know exactly what I do, I educate immigrant children.

And I love what I do. 

Every.single.minute.

The students I teach have immigrated to this country in various ways or for various reasons. Some students have been adopted. Other students' families are fleeing war. Some students' families come for their job or to further their education. Some had no jobs, no money, no way to keep their family above water, so they moved here: the land of opportunity. Some students' families have been here for generations, just like mine and many, many of yours. 

It honestly doesn't matter how they got here. I teach them English all the same. I teach them English to be successful in school and to be successful in life. That is my job. Even if it weren't my job and I didn't get paid to do it, I would still be honored to be a part of these families lives and their stories, helping them when and where I can.

You see, it doesn't matter whether these students and their families are Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, Sikh, Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, or non-denominational.  It doesn't matter whether they're from Pakistan, India, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Norway, Kenya, Mexico, or Venezuela. 

These immigrants--these families---are just like us. 

They love, they laugh, they cry, they work, they pray, they get frustrated just like us. 

Their religion doesn't define their humanity. Their homelands do not define their humanity either.

As a member of the human race on this planet, I am standing with my students and their families who are immigrants. I support them and I care about them. I'll be damned if anyone decides that because they are immigrants of a certain faith or homeland that they are not welcome in this country. 

I am American. I believe in American values and I stand with these immigrant families for now and always. 

When Love Has No Place to Go

Ever since my dad passed away almost 9 years ago, the holidays have been different. The first few Christmases were definitely not the same. Of course, I shared Christmas breakfast and lunch with my family. We exchanged presents and ate Christmas cookies. Even though I walked through the motions and traditions of the holidays, they didn't feel the same. I missed my dad; the ache in my heart that started once my dad passed was hard to ignore. 

At 26, I had not expected to lose my dad. The shock of it all gripped me for some time after he passed. Eventually the shock gave way to extreme sadness, missing my fun-loving dad especially at the holidays. Seeing my mom struggle through those first few years was just as difficult and added to the sadness. I was trying to learn how to live my life without my dad, and it wasn't easy. My new normal was one that I had not wanted and accepting it was even harder. 

Nine years later, I still miss my dad with all my heart, but the ache and the pain are not what they used to be. It was so much easier to enjoy the holidays this year: cooking great food, playing with my niece, having a nice drink, anticipating my family opening the gifts I got them, and just relaxing. This was a good holiday. 

As I get older I also believe that it is easier for me because I know my dad is with me. Every day when I wake up, while I'm driving to school, while I'm cooking dinner, I know he's there. I feel him with me every day. It's hard to explain, but I just do. I always have, but as the years have passed, I have gotten used to his new role in my life. My dad's there when I need to vent. He's there when I feel like chatting. He's there just to be there. And I'm okay with that now. 

I recently read a quote that changed my perspective on how I was feeling in my grief process. I can't remember where I saw it, but it really touched me and I'm glad. At the time my dad passed, a lot of things in my life changed and a lot of things in my family's lives changed. We were all in survival mode, so I know I did not get the chance in those first months and years after he passed to grieve the loss of my dad completely. Over the years, I have been able to grieve his loss, and this quote also helps explain why the process was so difficult for me:

I realized this was what I was feeling all along. I had so much love that I wanted to give my dad. I wanted to hug him, to have him walk me down the aisle, to share my new home with him, to just call him and tell him I love him. That was the hardest part to deal with. I had so much love for my dad, and it would just build up inside of me with no where to go. After awhile, I realized that I could send that love to him in other ways.

I talk to my dad in the car, while cooking dinner, and walking the dog. Sometimes I feel his big hugs while we talk, and I can't help but smile. Just thinking about him and picturing his smiling face makes my heart swell. My life without my dad is definitely different, but I've realized that this is the turn my life has taken. I've found other ways to send him love, and it makes me happy. 

On Christmas morning, I closed my eyes and saw my dad with his bed head in his pajamas. His baggy pajama pants a little too short for his six foot one frame. His long white t-shirt had stained with tea on the collar from dribbling his drink while reading the paper. He giggled childishly, shaking the present I handed him trying to see if he could guess what's inside. I laughed. My heart smiled as it always does when I think of him. I sent him my love, he sent me his, and I carried him with me hoping he enjoyed Christmas this year as much as I did. 

To anyone grieving the loss of a loved one through the holidays, you are in my thoughts. Sending you so much love and healing energy. 

Love and happiness <3 Holly

I Still Can't Believe He's Gone

7 years and 3 months ago, my dad passed away. It was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. In August of 2007, he was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma (terminal brain cancer). He passed away nine months later. My dad spent most of his life battling Multiple Sclerosis (MS), but was hardly ever "sick" a day in my life. He never had the flu, a cold, strep throat. My dad dealt with his MS so well--he didn't let it stop him. He still shot hoops with us in the driveway and took us to the mall (as a father of three girls) and walked through at his own pace. Every once and awhile his MS would slow him down, but he managed it. 

When he was diagnosed with brain cancer, it was the biggest shock of my life. I never thought my parents were going to get that sick, let alone at the age of 50. I was 26 at the time, and losing one of my parents never crossed my mind. My mom had cancer years before, but came out of it alright. Twice. I thought my dad's diagnosis would pan out in a similar fashion--we'd get my dad treatment, and he'd be fine. Too bad Glioblastoma don't work that way. They gave my dad 6 weeks to live.

My dad shortly after his diagnosis.

My dad quickly went downhill. And eventually lost his battle with brain cancer.

As the years have gone by, it hasn't gotten easier--every day I find something that I wish I could call my dad and tell him about. It just hurts less as time goes on. The ache I used to feel right after my dad's death isn't as raw. The hole is still there, but reality has sunk in over time. I don't wake up anymore thinking he's alive, only to come crashing down minutes later when I remember what actually happened. 

There are so many things that I wish I could share with him by just picking up the phone and calling. He passed before I got married. He never saw me in my wedding dress. He didn't walk me down the aisle. I would love to tell him about my new job, my writing, and my Instagram businesses. He would be so proud of me; he was always good at making sure we [his girls] knew how much he loved us and how proud he was of us. 

Recently, I've been missing my dad quite a bit. A few weeks ago, my mom's dog Bella was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, bone cancer. The vet told my mom she may not make it until Christmas. That was another shock to the heart. 

Me and Bella

Bella was my dad's dog. He loved that baby. Bella is an adorable, stubborn, and loving black lab. She loved my dad more than anything. By Thanksgiving-time the year my dad was diagnosed, he could no longer walk. He lost half his weight and was moved into a hospital bed in our family room. Bella really struggled with this at first. Her "Grampy," as we called him, could no longer take her outside to throw her favorite ball. She could no longer sit on his lap. Bella tried a few times to jump on my dad's hospital bed to lie with him. It hurt my dad too much because his body had become weak. Her life was also changing at the time, but we had no way to communicate it to her. That was tough.

Realizing how sick Bella is really brings back up a lot of the emotions from my dad's last nine months with us. It brings back memories of my dad loving that dog more than anything. Giving his heart so freely and completely. It brings back memories and familiar feelings of loss that are so hard to deal with. I am so sad for Bella. I am so sad for my mom. 

Bella, never far from my mom

Loss is something you never expect, but it eventually comes in some way, form, or manner. It's never easy to deal with, and no matter how many times you've experienced loss, it always catches you off guard. But one thing I've learned in my life is that I'll get through it. It won't be easy, but I can survive. I am going to pet that Bella-boo as much as I can and give her as many kisses as she'll let me. I'm going to visit her as much as I can and lie on my mom's bed with her. I'm going to feed her dog treats and cheese and hug my mom. 

I know we'll get through this. We always do. And I know Bella will one day be back with my dad playing ball and smiling her puppy smile. Please pray for Bella and my mom. This is going to be another hard road to walk down. 


Love and happiness <3 Holly

Whew! Has It Been a Week, or What?!?

First of all, let me start by announcing the winner of my Arm Candy giveaway! Maja from Kooky Kinders is the winner! Maja, your bracelets should be in your hands on Monday! Congrats! Here's a link to the winner and giveaway page.



Seriously...this week has been unexpected, fun, and exciting. I have been MIA on the blog for the last week, and I wanted to write a post about some of the happy that I've had this week! I've had a tiring, but happy week, but here it goes! 

For this post, I decided to write an update about The Love Life Project. To read more about this project, you can head on over to Jenny Fish's blog Wonderfully Complex! I've been part of the challenge for a few months now, and I love it!

I love taking pictures of the things that make me happy each day, and I love looking back from week to week and smiling at my pictures of little joys. I was even thinking of making a little photo album of some of my favorite happy pictures and call it "Life's Little Joys." That way, I can look back at those pictures whenever I feel like it! :)

So here are the last two weeks in pictures of the little things in my life that mean so much!

April 15th

I woke up one day to find it had snowed! That's crazy Ohio weather for you! April and May weather are so unpredictable here. I seriously didn't believe the weather forecasters when they said it would snow before I went to bed. But sure enough, I woke up, and it looked like this!

Here's a look at the snow from a window at school. By the time I left school, it was pretty much all melted!

Belting out Brian McKnight on the way home from work. Stuck in traffic. Let me tell you, Brian McKnight can definitely get you through some serious traffic jams!

April 16th

My 6th grade students learn about parts of plant and animal cells and then as a project, make a model of one of them. One of my students made an edible model. It's so pretty!









April 17th

I saw this and had to send it to my sister, Rachael! This cat looks just like our cat Ginger (Ginger Rogers) that we had growing up! She's currently 17 years old and lives with Rach!

This is too cute!







Ginger!

April 18th

On Good Friday, Bjorn and I headed down the dealership where we bought our car. There was something wrong with the technology in the lock on the driver's side door, so we went down to get it fixed. On the way, this truck passed us! I snapped a picture and sent it to my mom. She's from Missouri:

After getting the car fixed, we stopped to have a nice lunch downtown at Nada. Delicious!

I got a cactus flower margarita. It was a little sweet, but delicious! I could not have had another. I also had fish tacos. Their fish tacos are fantastic!

Thank goodness for a day off of school during the week! I got to cross something off of my to do list! Bjorn and I went to Batsakes to look at hats! He has been wanting to go there forever, but they don't have weekend hours. They also don't like you taking pictures inside, so I took one of the outside. And here's Bjorn in his hat:

April 19th

Here's  the biggest news of last week! Bjorn and I adopted a new dog! His name is Remy. He's three years old. He was taken care of by an awesome foster family, and he's so sweet! I can't believe we have three dogs! We have been talking about getting another dog for awhile. We thought we'd look for another pup in the summer, but we saw Remy and couldn't leave the little guy! Isn't he adorable?!?

He likes to be held like a baby.

He likes to sleep under the blankets just like Thor!

Here are all the babies together. Thor is still working on being completely comfortable around Remy. Thor gets a little jealous when Remy wants me to hold him :).

This is how he looks out the window.

He's so cute!

They're getting better!

April 20th

Bjorn and I made a homemade dinner of City Chicken, mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, and green beans! It was soooo good! My mom made city chicken when I was little, and I haven't had it in forever! Bjorn also made his famous homemade gravy. To.die.for.

April 21st

It was my sister Ashley's birthday! I sent her a box of goodies ;) Since she's closer to Ohio now, her box got to her way faster (on her actual birthday!). Happy birthday, sis! Love you!

Me, Ashley, Rachael

April 23rd

On Wednesday after a doctor's appointment, I stopped by the thrift store to look for a few inexpensive baskets to continue to organize my kitchen pantry. Hanging on the end of a rack, I saw this lovely silk jacket! It was 50% off day, so I picked it up for $3.50. I knew the name brand and was interested in looking up how much this vintage blazer would go for on eBay. I found it going for $80! I considered that my deal of the day! I also found a few baskets for .50 cents.

April 24th

I found these hanging baskets on Instagram for sale and it gave me an idea to keep an eye out at the thrift store for some of these to help organize my tiny kitchen!

April 25th

On Fridays, my students turn in their spelling homework. There is a section where the kiddos have to show me that they understand the meaning of each word. I can't wait to see their adorable drawings on Fridays! Here are a few of my favorites!

There were a few highlights of my week of happy!

To read more of my Love Life Project posts, you can go here and here. 

Leave a comment and let me know what made you happy this past week!

Love and happiness <3 Holly

I LOVE You ALL Giveaway!

When I started this little blog, I wanted a place to share my experiences living with OCD and anxiety and a place to keep me honest about finding happiness in my life. Just writing alone is such a great outlet for me. The fact that you all stop by and read my blog makes me feel so grateful and happy :) 

To thank all of you for coming on this journey with me and to celebrate the fact that I have made it to 125 followers on Bloglovin, 100 followers on Instagram, 24 Google+ followers, 10 Google friend connect followers, and 76 followers on the Finding My Everyday Happy Facebook page, I am hosting a giveaway! 

I just want to thank all of you for reading, following, stopping by, commenting, believing in me, cheering me on, and being a positive influence in my life.

I hope you'll stick around for my journey on my blog! I have been loving writing, reading your comments, and connecting with so many people through blogging!

I decided for any giveaways that I run to make the rules simple and easy. And I decided to have the prizes always be something related to things that make me happy, so hopefully, they will bring you a little happiness too!

The first giveaway prize is some Arm Candy for you to dress up your favorite everyday outfit. I know I always feel my best when I love the outfit I'm wearing that day, so I found two super cute bracelets for you to wear to work, on a special night out, or on a fun casual day! You can wear them alone or together for a bolder statement! I love stacking bracelets! And those of you who know me, know how much I love fashion!!

Here's a picture of the two bracelets that you could win!

Brick red faux leather snap-closure bracelet with rhinestones (Brand: Anna & Ava)

Gold Link bracelet with faux leather stamped center (Brand: Natasha)

The rules are simple:

1. The giveaway is open for a little over two weeks. 

2. A winner will be chosen at random on Monday, April 21 at midnight and  announced on the blog on Saturday the 19th. The winner will be notified by email. 

3. To enter the contest, you must leave your email address or login with Facebook below in the Rafflecopter form. This is how a winner will be selected at random. No one will be able to see your email address and your email address will not be given out to anyone.

4. The only thing you have to do to enter the giveaway is to leave a comment on this     
post on my blog or on this post's link on my Facebook page found here telling me one thing that has made you happy today. That's it! Easy-peesy. 

5. You can get up to two entries by commenting on my blog and my Facebook page.  And if you comment on my blog and Facebook page, try to tell me two different things that have made you happy! 

a Rafflecopter giveaway 

You can also enter from the Giveaway Tab on my Facebook page! 

Can't wait to see what has made you happy :)

Thanks for reading and following me throughout my journey!

Love and happiness <3 Holly

Happy #3: Love of My Life

"I will cherish you as I cherish our union.

I will love you more each day as our love grows stronger.

I will trust you, respect you, and nurture you.

I will support and encourage you.

I will hold your hand and help you should you stumble.

I will laugh with you and cry with you.

I will kiss the tears from your cheeks and wipe them gently from your eyes.

I will offer my shoulder upon which you can rest your weary head, 

my arms for your comfort and your protection.

I will love you faithfully through good times and bad times.

I give you my hand as I dedicate my heart, my love, and my life to you 

from this moment on."

~Our Vows: 10.09.10

Picture: Mandy Paige Photography, Make-up: Makeup by Karina, Flowers: Ford-Ellington Wedding and Event Design, Dress: Melissa Sweet, Shoes: Steve Madden Luxe, Bracelet: Jessica Simpson

Bjorn and I have been together for 15 years. We are high school sweethearts. We met in high school German class our sophomore year. We were friends who completed German projects together (well, I did the projects while Bjorn played his guitar!). Sorry, Bjorn!! Now, I do have to say, he did finish our Physics project while I sat and watched. I think that was more because I didn't know what I was doing! Sorry about that too, Bjorn ;) ! Needless to say, we have been through a lot together. I feel like we were practically "babies"--kind of--when we met. We know SO MUCH about each other. It is weird sometimes. I don't have to finish a thought, and he knows what I mean. I just give him a "look" (as he calls it), and he knows what I'm thinking. He knows how I feel by looking in my eyes or hearing my voice on the phone. I don't know what I'd do without him. I love all these things about him. 

The project Bjorn and I did--that I really did--for German class!

Homecoming our Junior Year. Fall '98

I don't think I wanted to flip over his back! Ha! And I'm wearing overalls!

Prom Senior Year, Spring 2000

Three years ago Bjorn and I decided to get married. We never felt like we had to be married. We didn't feel like we needed a piece of paper to "define" our relationship. We had been together for so long and lived together for so long that we felt like we were at that point anyway. 

After my dad passed away, we felt differently about getting married. We wanted to do something happy and fun together with our family and friends and celebrate our love. I know it sounds cheesy, but we had all been through a lot. And I know my dad would have loved our wedding! I know he did love it. I felt him there with us that day. I still do feel him with me every day. I know he is happy that we have something beautiful to look back on in the years to come to remind us of how much in love we are and what a great night it was spent with the people we love! 

Leading up the our wedding, I was not stressed, I was not anxious, and I was not crazed. I don't know how to describe it. My OCD and anxiety did not play a part in planning any part of our day. I knew exactly what dress I wanted--I saw a picture of what I wanted. I tried it on as my first dress. I tried others to be sure, but I still knew it was the one. I knew what colors I wanted. I had general ideas for other parts of the day, but I trusted the professionals I hired to help me get everything done. The Cincinnati Art Museum was also a huge help, contacting my vendors and arranging everything to arrive. I didn't understand the big stress everyone talked about when they said planning a wedding made them crazy. I made my own place cards and table numbers, among a few other things. 

The only thing my mind wavered on were the shoes that I wanted to wear! I drove my sister crazy because I think I changed my mind three or four times! That was my only really nuts-o moment, but I do LOVE shoes!!!

My mindset for the wedding was that it was going to be a fun and exciting day. Nothing could make me feel differently about it. Not if all the power at the art museum went out--we'd light candles. That'd be romantic. Not if it rained the whole day--we'd have the wedding inside instead of outside. Not even if I fell walking down the stairs toward the aisle in my HUGE heels! I'd just do a little jig, give a curtsy, and a smile and be on my way! 

The only thing that gave me some stress the day of was not being able to put my veil in my hair and get it to stay. Thank you Mandy, my amazing photographer, for helping me; otherwise, I would have been veil-less! I seriously was going to ditch the whole kit-n-caboodle!

Thinking back on that day, I don't know how I got through that year and a half of planning and the wedding so smoothly before I started taking my medication and before I started therapy. I don't know how I did it, but I'm glad that I did! Maybe it was the excitement I had building up towards the day that made me work through everything. Maybe it was the planning and having control over something so large that made me feel more calm when other things in my life were not in control. Maybe it allowed me to focus on something else other than the loss of my dad and what was going on inside my head. 

I don't know what it was, but I am so happy that my experience planning my wedding was not stressful and enjoyable. I am also happy that I have such amazing memories from our special day that I'll never forget. I think it's so strange when people talk about days and memories as magical--but I think I understand why they say that. Not to be sappy, but I really feel like that night was magical.

I remember how I held back tears as I walked down the aisle towards my best friend. I remember how my husband's cell phone rang in the middle of our vows in true Bjorn fashion (one of our guests calling to say he would be late--we all laughed!). I remember dancing salsa with my best friend from high school barefoot on the cool, tile floor at our reception. I remember the sweet, cinnamon taste of our apple cider martinis. I remember my cheeks hurting from smiling so much. I remember my grandpa walking me down the aisle. I remember the smell of my gorgeous flowers. I remember my beautiful, purple smoky eye--I loved my make-up! I remember the crisp, fall colors looking back at our amazing pictures. 

So many good memories. Not clouded by doubts. Not clouded by overthinking. Just pure happiness. This is what life should be. 

Love and happiness <3 Holly