Finding happy in the everyday is not a new idea. But it hasn't always been the easiest thing for me to do in my life. Much of my life the past few years has been in a complete mode of "try to survive." I was happy just getting by every day; making it through the day--completing the tasks that I needed to, making sure I did them to the best of my ability (most of the time giving 110%), coming home completely exhausted, and then waking up to do it again the next day. I felt drained. In a fog. But mostly emotionally bankrupt. And I HATED that feeling!
I never had ME time. I never got to do FUN things. I never ENJOYED anything. Seriously. I really didn't do the things that I liked anymore. I didn't take the time to take care of myself and I was suffering.
The reason I felt so low was that I have been living with OCD and anxiety my whole life. I remember being seven years old and worrying that pesticides in my vegetables at dinner were going to poison me if I ate them. If my clothes were wrinkled at school, people would think my mom was a horrible caretaker. If my sister got stung by a bee (she is allergic), we wouldn't get her EpiPen in time and she'd die.
My life was full of catastrophic what-if's. The OCD brain is full of what if's, and they're never-ending. When I was younger, even until I was in college, I didn't realize that I had OCD and anxiety. I just thought that's the way people really thought--being exhausted from what-if's all day and night.
There were times when my OCD and anxiety were not as bad as others. But five years ago when my dad passed away from cancer, my OCD and anxiety came on with full force. These last five years have been the hardest for me and my anxiety. This is when I started to lose my happy. It slowly started to drain from my life, but over the course of the last year, I have been feeling really strong.
I feel happy. Really happy. I feel different. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe peaceful with myself and where I am in my life. Thus, the title of this blog. I have made a goal for myself that this year is about me. I am going to start doing the things that I enjoy again. I am going to start enjoying my life again. This is my adventure in finding myself again and refinding the things I love to do. I hope you enjoy finding them with me. I am so ready.
Love and happiness <3 Holly