Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Something I Don't Like to Talk About...

This is really hard for me to talk about. I don't know why, but it feels harder than talking about my OCD and anxiety. Maybe because I am embarrassed that I haven't been taking care of myself the way I used to; I am embarrassed that I let myself down.

Over the past two years, I have gained a lot of weight. Taking new migraine medications, taking the wrong migraine medications, being stressed, and going through a bout of depression have really taken their toll on me. 

Me at a feel-good weight for my body.

I don't feel like myself and haven't for at least the last year, almost year and a half. I am uncomfortable in my skin. My clothes slowly started to feel tighter and tighter. I currently have one pair of jeans that I can wear comfortably. My boobs got really big (compared to the A cups they used to be). I feel like I'm living in a different person's body.

I haven't worked out hardly at all or danced in the last year. I just couldn't get myself motivated. I couldn't physically get up out of my house to do anything. I became a sedentary person (which is totally not me!). 

I gained 40 pounds over the last year and a half. Seriously, when I see it in writing, I can't believe it. What bugs me the most is I don't feel good in this body. I want to feel better again. I'm not even obsessed or worried about the number on the scale. I just want to feel good again in my own skin.

Me now.

Today, I feel like my mind is in a better place. I am able to motivate myself again, which I never had trouble doing before. It's like OCD exposures--my "just do it" mentality that I learned over the years. It's been a hard journey, and the hardest part, is realizing that this will take time. 

I feel motivated to work out now: it helps my anxiety, it is good for my body, and it is good for my spirit. At the start of summer (and even in May), I started walking my dog, Remy, every day. He needed to loose a little weight too. I started doing 30 minute workouts with the 21 day fix. I don't follow the whole program, just use the workouts when I can't get to Zumba. I started going back to Zumba. I feel better and have more energy, but I still feel down about the whole thing. The hardest part is switching my mindset. I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet.

I'd love to share my successes and fumbles on my blog, getting back to a healthier me. I think it will motivate me and hold me accountable to keeping active. I always was a dancer, and I plan on staying that way!

Here's to getting back to feeling good again! 

Love and happiness <3 Holly


  1. This is a great post, Holly. It speaks of something that I'm sure every one has experienced in some form in their lives. You're on the path! Love yourself and be patient and great things will happen. :)

    1. Thanks, Casey! I appreciate it. I am totally working on it every day. Thanks for the <3.

  2. Getting ourselves motivated really is the challenge -- I need to do that too. Walking with your dog sounds like a great motivator. Maybe an exercise buddy would help; when you're supporting somebody else it's not so hard to get yourself moving. You can do it!

    1. Thanks, Lory! I am doing pretty well again with the motivation. It took awhile, but I just tell myself that I'm doing this for me. I want to feel good, lessen my anxiety, and have more energy. So far, so good!


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