Thursday, November 27, 2014

More Myself on this Thanksgiving

Today on Thanksgiving, I am relieved and grateful that I am starting to feel more like myself. I never thought that I would say that, but these last eight months or so have been a rough road to walk down. Yesterday I actually had the energy and motivation to clean the bathroom, our bedroom, do the dishes, and two loads of laundry. I took a nap, read a little, and thought of some crafty ideas that I'd like to try this winter. I even want to get a Christmas tree this weekend. That last one is huge for me. 

It has been years since I've either had a Christmas tree or put a Christmas tree up for longer than 5 or 6 days before Christmas. In the past 6 years, I have had a Christmas tree at my house twice. That's it. I don't know if it's just been hard to be festive since my dad passed away, it's something my headaches took over, or my OCD did . 

The obvious reason, my dad's passing, held fast for the first few years he was gone. I never was in the "Christmas spirit" once December rolled around. Everything felt different, and the holidays weren't the same. Instead of feeling grateful and happy for what I had in my life, I felt a huge hole in my heart that was hard to handle on a daily basis, let alone on a holiday like Christmas. 

Another aspect of my life that held me back and still do to some extent are my migraines. My migraines keep me from doing certain enjoyable things only because I feel too much pain to do them. This was especially true in the past, and it was hard sometimes to do anything enjoyable when I was feeling badly. 

Sometimes my OCD overpowered a fun situation as well. Many times I would start something (like getting out the ornaments before we got the tree) and then get too overwhelmed to finish.

Today I will not let my OCD stop my from doing something I love. I am grateful for this. I am grateful for the help that I get to control my OCD and anxiety and that I rely on my sheer willpower sometimes to overcome it. I am thankful that I do not let OCD rule my life anymore.

My migraines have been somewhat better than before. I am still waiting to see how the Botox treatments pan out. I've had two so far. My doctor also lowered my medications which in turn has helped me to feel more like myself. I am tired of letting my migraines keep me from life, so they aren't going to anymore. I am grateful for new treatments and doctors who care to help as much as mine.

Struggling with holidays and being happy was mostly because of my dad's passing at first. The first year my dad passed, there were many reasons that I wasn't able to grieve his passing. It took me a few years to realize that I never did truly grieve his loss. We were all trying to hold it together for each other and stay strong for everyone else. In hindsight this wasn't great for my emotional healing, but since then, I am at peace with my dad's passing. He would want me to be happy--to enjoy life. And that is what I am going to do from now on.

I am grateful that I saw a glimmer of myself yesterday--I am hopeful that there will be more days like this. It took losing myself to realize how much I missed the real me and how important my happiness really is in this journey I'm on. 

I am going to start doing the things that matter to me--the things I love--more often, whether it be reading, putting up the Christmas tree, or watching one of my favorite movies. These things make me happy, and for awhile, it was hard to push happiness to the front of my mind. Today I am grateful that I have these feelings of gratefulness and happiness, no matter how small they may be.

I am grateful for my life, and I want to live it to its fullest. Today, that is what I am grateful for. I am hopeful that this is the start of things turning around for me, and that makes me happy.

Love and happiness <3 Hollt

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