Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Anxious Girls Don't Change their Hair

A long time ago, especially before I was a junior in high school, I hid behind my hair. I used it to cover my face in class. Not to have to look anyone in the eyes, not to let anyone see my uncontrollable acne, and to try to stay invisible. I didn't like being called on in class. Most of the times my eyes were staring down at the table, my hair flanking the edges of my eyes. My hair was a kind of invisible cloak to me. As long as I hid behind it, no one could see me. No one could tell how anxious I was. No one would know I existed.

When I was a junior in high school, I joined Color Guard. We were the girls who entertained  you during the half time marching band show during Friday night football games, dancing, hurling rifles in the air, and twirling flags. That group of girls made me feel comfortable as myself; I could just be me. I was part of a big family, and I loved them for loving me like a sister.

That year of high school, I decided to cut my hair. And so began the beginning of my hair-changing journey. I had always wanted shorter hair. I didn't feel like long hair was “me.” It just didn't fit the personality I knew I had. A lot of people didn't know that Holly. I was tired of hiding behind my hair, and this, in some weird way, was me coming out of my shell.

One of my first "shorter" hair cuts. My hair was previously halfway down my back. Homecoming junior year with my now hubby :)

This is how short my hair was most of junior and senior year in high school.
It's even out of my face!

But what I realized once I cut my hair was that changing my hair was the way I could express who I was to the world. To me, my hair was a bold statement. Since I was not the outspoken, stand-up-in-front-of-a-crowd kind of girl, this was my way to say, “This is me!” And I was, and still am, very comfortable making this kind of statement about myself, instead of yelling it out loud to the world. I am the girl who takes everything in quietly and formulates her opinion before speaking in a room full of people. But with my hair, I yell it out! 

The last few years, I literally walk into get my hair done sometimes with an idea and sometimes without, but pretty much let my friend (who does my hair) create something new with my hair. I usually know that I want to keep my bangs, I want it short, and I want fun color. That's it. No anxiety there! 

It's funny to think that, on average, I change my hair about every six months or less. It's something fun that I always like to do and it lets me be who I am. Making an appointment to get my hair done makes me feel excited about making a change. 

It's interesting to think about the long list of things that can bring on anxiety for me in my life and the many possibilities of things that could, but don't. It just goes to show how much biology is at play with an anxiety-filled mind and how you don't control what will bring you anxiety and what won't. Now I choose how to deal with my anxiety, since I have the tools I need to do so. 

This was a crazy 'do!
Just kidding! Halloween costume ;)

Wedding hair.

Previously, a little blonde streak.

My current color

Love and happiness <3 Holly

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