Wednesday, April 2, 2014

A Hard Reality, But Going Somewhere

Sometimes along this journey of finding my happy, I sit and wonder, is this my happy? Sometimes bad days cloud my vision, and it's harder to see through the sad, the frustrated, and the unknown. 

Over the past few months, I have had a difficult time with my migraines. I have been on a new medication that makes me exhausted. I have no energy, and I don't feel like myself. I feel like, in a sense, I'm in this weird "waiting" place with my migraines. I'm waiting for something to work. Nothing has, and I'm just waiting for the next medication, the next suggestion, the next failure. I know that's a downer, but it's hard to stay positive sometimes

A Typical Migraine Night

I keep reminding myself that I am still doing other things that I love, even though I feel like I don't have my life together right now because I'm not feeling the greatest. I'm doing the best I can at the moment with the amount of headaches that I am having. I also realize that some treatments are going to affect me in adverse ways. 

My goal through all of this is to not place crazy expectations on myself.  If I feel exhausted, I need a break. Maybe I'll take a nap. And I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm not pushing myself until I fall over. I need to listen to my body and what is happening right now at this moment in time with my migraines. And right now, my body is telling me, "Whoa, Nelly! Take it easy!!" I am not going to feel guilty because I'm not doing all my usual activities at my usual pace. I'm going to talk to my new doctor when the time comes and roll with the punches. 

This is a reminder to myself that happiness is what I make of it. It is not an expectation set by my anxiety or my OCD:

Shades of Gray

Happiness is black and white with gray around the edges
swirled together like cold milk stirred into a steaming cup of coffee.
Sometimes it's circles of orange, yellow, gold, and red
bobbing across a crisp, ocean blue sky 
radiating heat and fearless energy.
Other times it's mauve polka dots and pale green stripes
riding in and out on the breeze
bringing along a cool sense of calm.
It’s up and down.
It’s stitched and unstitched.
It’s sure and then unsure.
It’s second guessing.
It's always wanting to be somewhere,
but not sure if you’re there yet.
Am I there yet?
Am I there yet?
Soon the asking gets old.
The mind
trained to question again and again
over and over
on repeat
until you realize: 
happiness is black and white with gray around the edges.

I'm in this for the long haul.

Love and happines <3 Holly

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